Maybe I should leave...it is time for a change
Yesterday I had a terrible lesson with one of my classes. After that it really set me thinking about what I should be doing and if I am truly enjoying what I am doing now.
Ever since I came back to work after my leave, I have been so busy that it has taken away time from my little one. After a day's work, I go back home and try to spend the rest of the day playing with her, talking to her, basically interacting with her so that she still remembers me as her mother. Sometimes, it breaks my heart to observe that she has no separation anxiety. When I leave for work and when I get back home, it does not make a difference to her. It is as if I do not exist in her life. Now, even an occasional slight smile from her when she sees me is enough because most of the days she does not even look at me.
I would have felt better if things are doing great at work. However, the greatest disappointment has dawned on me that all the sacrifices I have made are in vain. Back at work, students do not even appreciate the things I have been doing for them. Really, I have been asking myself why I even bother to get down to work after Veralyn goes to bed at 10pm, even when I am so tired I cannot even pry my eyes open. Am I supposed to be a clown in class, entertaining my students and making sure that they are fully entertained so that they can be continually interested in what I am teaching? I cannot convince myself that my role as a teacher has degraded to such a state. Yes, so I am not a good teacher. Does this admission make you happy?
I do not even have time to entertain my precious little one and yet I have to entertain the kids of other parents. Is this truly what I have to do as a teacher? Am I being fair to my child then? There is absolutely no point explaining to these students the sacrifices that their teachers are making to make sure that their learning take place in school. They do not even bother to understand the hard work their parents are putting in just to make their life easier. I mean NOTHING to them.
The fire in me is burning out. I think it is time for me to evaluate what I am doing now. Is it alll worth it? At this point of time in my life, I should be spending time with my little one, watching her grow up since she only grows up once in her lifetime and yet I am wasting my time on people who are not appreciative of me as a person. Why am I making such a huge sacrifice for a worthless cause?
Perhaps it is time I leave for a greener pasture where I can be appreciated and truly happy.
What's up Momma?
It has been such a looooong while since I last updated this blog. How is everyone doing? :)
Yes I know there are NO updates since Veralyn was born but hey, motherhood is real tough. Some days I am really not in the mood to update anything. Veralyn has not exactly been an easy baby. She is 4 months now but these four months have been quite traumatic, well at least for me it has been traumatic! She is a fussy baby so handling her has been quite tough. I have a gut feeling that she is going to a real tough cookie when she grows up! I would not be surprised if she wants to play soccer instead of dolls when she is older!
Oh yes, I am on a weight-loss mission! Sighs, pregnancy has done harm to my body. I have been whining about my body shape since I gave birth. When can I be thin like how I was before I gave birth? I do not want to be fat when I return to school next Jan!
The academic year is coming to an end already. How did everyone do? Although I am out of action in school, I am still in the thick of the things alright? :) I am sure there are people who miss me and some students who hope I will never teach them again! After being a stay-at-home-mum (SAHM) for these few months, I have mixed feelings about returning to work too. Sometimes I cannot wait to get away from my baby because of her wailing but on the other hand, going back to work would mean lesser time with her. Of course, not to mention that I do miss my mentees too :) Have all of you been missing me?
Hi "uncles" and "aunties"!
I am Zhang Rui Xuan, the little precious of Daddy Dixie and Mummy Lilian. I am one week old today! My first cry was in Thomson Medical Centre on July 10 2007 at 0001hr. Daddy and Mummy say that I am a newborn with a mind of my own already because I chose my own birthdate by coming out only 1 minute after midnight :)
Hmm, Daddy and Mummy cannot decide what English name to give me. They have been debating over it ever since I was in Mummy's tummy. They would like me to have a beautiful and meaningful name. Can you help me choose my name? You can vote for your favourite choice at my blog. Yes, so cool ya? I am a newborn with my own blog, all thanks to my very enthusiastic and loving Daddy!
Just click on the title of this post to see me! :)
Love
Ruixuan
Waiting To Pop!
Most of you have noticed the enormous bump now! Yeap, I am about to pop in about 3+ weeks. My girl is due in mid to late July so it is really about time already. I am now about 9 months pregnant.
Many people have been asking me what I am going to name my girl but honestly, I am quite at a loss. At the end of the day, I may not want to give her an English name. Perhaps I shall give her the liberty to choose her name when she gets older.
Oh yes, Mrs Vain Teo (yes, that is me) went to take pictures of her tummy during the holidays. I shall share one of them :) Others are too x-rated; students are too young to see them! Hmm it does seem that my tummy was smaller then. I think my girl is grabbing every opportunity to put on as much weight as she can within these couple of weeks. Well, I just want her to be healthy. For now, I just have to suffer the pain of my inflammed joints and my not-very-desirable looks :(
I hope that during my absence, my mentees will behave themselves and not get so many cards. I will update about my girl when I can and keep in touch with my students through my blog.
Await my news, my dearest students!
Updates
It has been such a long while since I updated my blog. Well, pregnancy is quite tiring. Most of the days when I get home, I just want to do nothing, sit in front of the television and stone.
This is the 31st week of my pregnancy. It is about 8+ more weeks to her birth. Gee, I think when school reopens end June, I would really look like a whale!!!! Gosh, that is one scary thought. Oh yes, did I mention that I am not going to call my newborn Deandre anymore? So many people have told me that it sounds nice but if people were to call her Dean in short, it sounds like "the-end" and honestly, I really do not think I want people to remember my daughter this way :( Thus, I have to look for another name for her. I have something in mind already but I shall keep it a little secret :P
As her birthday draws nearer, it also means that I will be going on my maternity leave very soon too. I can sooo imagine some of my students popping champagne and rejoicing over my absence. Well, I cannot say it makes me very happy thinking about that. In fact, it is something that pricks my heart sometimes. The fact that they celebrate my absence only points to one thing - that I am such an welcomed, perhaps even lousy teacher to them and that they cannot wait for me to leave. What would make it worse would be that upon my return, they tell me that they enjoyed the lessons of their relief teacher more than mine. I think that would be the ultimate killer.
Ok, I shall stop yakking about thoughts that have been weighing me down.
I hope to update my faithful readers aka students about my newborn and my life as a first-time mother. Hopefully, I have the time to take pictures of my little one and post it here as well!
Meanwhile, I am counting down to her hatch-day!
My Little Bump
By now, most of you already know that I have a bump.
Yes, baby Deandre has been growing in my tummy for the past 6 months already. It will be the end of my 24th week tomorrow.
My hubby and I are probably going to name her Deandre, a name that means “strong and courageous”. The original spelling should be “Deandra” but my hubby’s English name starts with a “D and ends with an “E” so we decided to replace the “a” with “e”. Got it?
Here, I have to apologise and explain to my bowlers that I was actually prepared to go to Sunway Lagoon last December for the Milo Championship. However, my pregnancy was not stable then and thus, I was advised not to go on the trip by my gynaecologist (gynae, for short). I felt quite guilty about it. Uncle Mike knew the news before anyone of you did. Also, I had an important appointment with the gynae on the day they went for their CIP at MINDS so I could not go along too. I hope my bowlers do understand now why I was not with them. It is definitely not because I do not care about all of you.
I could not tell you the good news any earlier because I wanted to wait till I know the sex of the baby before I disclose the good news. So do pray and hope very hard for me that my little princess will grow healthily in my tummy for the next 3.5 months. I hope you are happy for me because my little one is coming, not because I will be away for 3 months.
Meanwhile, I just have to make do with an expanding body (which is making me very depressed!), poor appetite and water retention but the joy of Deandre kicking my tummy when Daddy reads to her at night makes it all worthwhile.
Teaching
Yes my dear readers, it has been such a long while since I last updated my blog but......
Here I am again!
It has been a very busy start of the year for me so that explains why I have not been updating my blog. There are new challenges, new classes that I have to manage. So far, things are not exactly rosy all the time but yup there are good times, definitely :) I must say that I am deeply encouraged by the level of motivation of my mentees and for these 2 modules, I have been extremely proud of them. Please keep it up, bowlers! My mentees have also been updating me about their lives whenever they see me so it is a good sign that our relationship is still going strong. I have "announcements" for my mentees though so bowlers, watch this space :)
Speaking of motivation, I have to say that it has been an extremely uphill task for me to motivate some of my students. Honestly, sometimes I doubt my abilities to push the right button with my students. No matter what I do or say, the students remain unmoved and choose to continue to be unmotivated and unenthusiastic. What can I do? I know I am not the best teacher around but I do try my best to teach, to touch the hearts of my students. Alas, it does not seem to be happening.
On the other hand, I am also extremely heartened by the fact that some of the students I taught last year still remember me and they still chat with me when they see me along the corridors. Of course, there are some who ignore me even when we cross each other's path. I think that is very sad :( A simple hello will really make my day. That is all that I ask for. During the December holidays, I met my boys from my previous schools and man, they are going to report for NS soon! They have invited me to visit them during the Family Visit Day and I am going to try my best to make it. These are the kids whom I have gone through thick and thin with. They trusted me and shared their worst fears and secrets with me. Though we had our rocky times where I had to scold them to wake them up, they knew why I was doing it and never blamed me for it. In fact, our relationship became stronger. Two years have passed and I never fail to receive SMS messages from them on Teachers' Day. Occasionally, I chat with them over MSN when they are online to get the latest updates on their lives.
I ask myself if I will ever foster such strong ties with my students in SSS. It is still early to say but I really do hope that it will materialise. For me, teaching is only rewarding when students remember what I have done for them, not when they have achieved academic success.
